i just want to write and not be judged. i don't want to have to edit this, fix it, i want it how it is. I just feel like being free and happy but at the same time, i want to understand the pain people go through. I want to be the person that is there no matter what. i want to be the person who is willing to stop everything just to help people. I just want to be less self centred.

i am messed up in the head and ill never be good enough.
what can you do?

What Makes Life Bearable?

Sitting on the bus with head phones in while listening to music and staring out the window is one of my hobbies. Those moments where you feel like your in some artsy film, deep in thought. Listening to people speaking french fluently. Someone speaking any language fluently? Sitting at home and watching an emotional movie? Reading your favourite book?
What makes you life bearable?
I don't have a happy life. I'll be brutally honest. Some nights I'll lie awake in bed thinking about how much of a bad person I am. But that's who I am. I focus on the negatives not the positives. I don't believe in happiness. I have anxiety which causes me to have panic attacks. Usually my panic attacks are while I sleep but sometimes I'll break down and sit in bed in the dark. Unhappy. Depressed. Feeling like there is no meaning to life. But what's the meaning of life? Surely if someone knew the answer more people would be able to understand the world around us. How do you truly know how someones feeling?
Some people say I change my emotions too quickly. To be honest, I do. But I have to. No one knows the real me and I'm afraid that if they did that they wouldn't want to be friends with me.

Happiness?

A simple word. 9 letters. Two p's, two s's. A word people are taught from a young age.
But what makes people happy? What is happiness?
Is laughing being happy?
Is smiling being happy?
Enjoying the moment your in?
Having friends?
No one knows what happiness is so when someone says "You don't have depression because your happy and have a perfect life." Well, then there wrong because you could be the happiest person in the world and still have depression. Everyone has felt depression, sometimes not as strong as others but still felt the pain of it. Someone else can't decide whether or not you have depression or if your happy. People think that my smiles are happy and innocent when really every time I smile I slowly lose the happiness inside of me. How many smiles did you fake today? How many times did you fake a laugh to make people thing that you are okay? How many times have you lied to someone saying "oh, I'm okay" or "I'm fine" ? No one knows the meaning of happiness. The dictionary is just saying what people want to hear, what people hope to believe.

Night Driving

You know that feeling where you're in the car and it's late and everything is perfect. Sitting in comfortable silence that makes your lips cure into an innocent smile. The perfect music that makes it feel like at any moment you could start crying because everything is so perfect and no one could ruin the moment right now. The dark, inky sky scattered with pure stars. It looks as if a little kid has just found glitter. Nothing could be better then that moment. When you can just close your eyes and relax. Feeling safe for just that millisecond but that's enough to last a life time, enough to last a millennium.

That everlasting feeling.

But it all ends when you get to the place your supposed to be at. It's almost as if a tiny piece of you is left with that car journey, that beauty and that moment. The only moment.